Dillonator Prophecy

In one moment, you feel free.  The next, they bring you back down into the shackles of servitude.  Your brain scans the landscape, thinking of the positives and the potential and before it ever materializes it gets cut down and chopped up because that is how it has to be in the narrow minded.  Fiscal responsibility that slaps your face like the master you never wanted, spreading your legs and filling you with a dread and a somber hopelessness in your situation.  The joy of the unknown is gone, rather it is the thing that terrifies you most because you do not if it is attainable, this desired freedom.  It has been put to you as a rubix cube, a layered torture that scoffs at any attempt as solving it.  And their voices do not hush when you scream at them, scream at their cackling demeanor.  Nay…they grow louder, over top of you, pounding into the ground mentally to the point where all that is left of the optimism is a puddle of pulp.  Sometimes…I wonder if this riddle is solvable, of if those that posed it in the first place are the ones that are truly mad.  Their double speak is in tongues, at once comforting yet simultaneously harrowing.  Should you accept their charity in spite of your pride?  How can they ever understand your inability to do what they think is so simple?

The biggest issue before me is the green, but the fact that it dictates the course of every conversation I have with my mother…it has put an unbelievable strain on me.  It belittles what I am trying to do, almost laughs at the notion of going to school while at the same time making sure I know that I have no choice but to do this.

I can not support myself on my own now.  It is impossible with school, with 18 credit hours and that.

I do not know what I am supposed to think…or to do.  I am so close to just saying “you’ve always said you’d take care of it, that it isn’t a big deal…then stop making a big deal of it.”   Every day…I make it known how grateful I am.

I am lost with this thinking.  It is foreign to me.

I rarely use this outlet because, well, the same audience of one (MAYBE two) are the same people I talk to on a pretty consistent basis through e-mail tag.  I could very easily post those, but eh.

I am starting to figure out, bit by bit, what really stokes my fires and passion.  I enjoy thinking about the coming election, doing my best to inform and to think of the possibilities.  Barack Obama’s claims for change, for the first time in my 23 years of existence, sound as if they are real…that to tear down a broken system we will allow a shining and bright knight to send the world of lobbyists and government fat cats to the pits of Hell.  It resounds in my bones, which ache from the exertion of tedious labor…not only for myself…but for the generation I come from.

I will go as far as to say I have disdain for the generation before mine…for the children of Love who came away from Vietnam self important and idealized yet wavered as old age ripped apart their ideals and made them the worst perpetrators of class warfare.  It is under their ignorance that Ronald Reagan and the Neo-Con God fearing halfwits came to be…that the New Deal was repelled and tax cuts to the wealthy, creating a post-medieval neo-caste system that becomes more based on service than on hard, honest work.  Where the things we owned ended up owning us with crushing debt and bills.  And there is a wonder why there is a disconnect?  It’s our generation that does not understand?

I used to have friends who, one day, would make the play and try and change the world…for the better.  To lull us out of our sleep walk.  But they’ve become cogs too…more fixated on Sportscenter and HD Televisions than in politics or educating themselves.  I find it funny how a pair of people I have met a handful of times in my life, all in the span of about eight months, I have more in common with than the people I grew up with …who I sat there honestly feeling inferior to because I had trouble grasping this world.  I had always believed in utopia.  Aquinas spoke of the city on the hill, and to a certain extent, I want to believe it is possible.

I want to use my efforts to better educate myself, to understand the world as best as I can…and the bridge to that is change…the promise of some form of galvanizing change.  I think Obama is a mere part of that.  I feel our generation has the ability to mold a new world out of the excess unused clay that has been collected because those that came before us were not cultivated.  I believe we can overcome.  I want to believe we can overcome.  And if we all can not…then I hopefully will take solace in the fact that there are those in this world who are fighting for a better tomorrow.  And I hope to give them as much help and support as I can going forward.

Ah…yes. The atypical end of the year blog posting. It’s been a few months, so things have been ever changing. I do not usually prescribe to the whole notion of making a big thing of the New Year, but for whatever reason I feel like I should this time around. No, not in the conventional manner of going OMG RESOLUTIONS, or OMG GREATEST MOMENTS OF THE YEAR…because at this juncture, I am finding one year measures up to another just the same. Things do not feel as special, or so transcending like they did in childhood. The seasons come and go with nary a whimper, and are quickly forgotten. Time travels too fast.

What I find that I should do, however, is give a few thank yous or what have yous to those people in my life that have, in essence, changed my perceptions, goals, and ambitions. Some of these people I’ve known for a while, others not so much. But it is important, to me anyway, to recognize the few people that made me change my life this past year, and honestly…pretty much all for the better.

To be frank, I’ve had rough patches this past year, and under a retrospective lens it becomes all too apparent where I overreacted, where I fucked up, or where I misread situations, I have also learned the vital lessons…something intensely important. Perfection is not attainable, but I believe now, more than ever before, that I am better equipped to be the best person I can be…or at least can make the steps in the future.

Alright, here it goes:

Christopher Hanlon- I feel safe because this is stowed away on the internet. In going back to school this past year, I had some goals and ambitions as to what I would like to do. At the same time, I never truly felt as if I had the developmental tools necessary to do what I wished to do. I had just come off a full year off, and the reality is that I was also coming off being burned out from school for that last semester. I have never had a great relationship with teachers, and to be honest I did not talk to them as much as I probably should have. Now, I live on Eastern Illinois campus, and am a minute walk away from the building I spend my time in. I get bored, and sometimes I just like talking. Anyways, Hanlon is the graduate chair in the EIU English program. Not only that, but the man is honestly one of the most knowledgable people I have ever come across.

Going into his classes, I felt extremely intimidated. Here I was, a guy who unloaded trucks from Kohls for a year, who had not do enough reading and writing that he should have done going back into school. I was completely and utterly unsure of myself. However, after doing my first papers back from the two classes I took with him, I found myself amazed at the potential he saw in me. To this day, I still feel this way. He’s become my go to guy, the person I can talk about what I want to do with my life, to the simple discourse on the texts we read. Amazing man. To be told by someone who I have the utmost respect for that I am not only grad school level material right now, but also that I would be extremely successful…wow. I thank you for giving me faith, Dr. Hanlon, and I hope I can continue to grown under your watchful eye.

Kurt Fenzel- Oh god…now I am really happy this is tucked away on the net. Dude is my RA, and he’s freaking 19. But I must say, he’s been a cool cat, and I’ve spent many an hour just hanging out with the guy and doing random shit. He wrote my recommendation for the RA position on campus, he’s also has been a good friend to have. I’d buy the man a beer, but the guy is underage, and doesn’t want to lose his job on campus. Not only that, but he has helped spread this nasty sense of humor that those close to me all seem to have all across Weller Hall. It’s all good.

Anthony Girardi- Another one of those oh god deals. Funny funny cat. Always good for a laugh. Also very helpful with a few of my papers. Also very helpful in the understanding of how much of a fucking wack job my former roommate is. I’m going to miss those talks outside his room that me, him, and Kurt would all do about the most random, funny shit possible. I’ll also miss fucking around with his door knob and stealing his candles, but eh.

Manager Mike from Kohls- Kat is probably going to laugh at this if she reads this, because I have made no bones about my dislike for the work I do. However, I see it as a way to make cash. And Mike has done a lot to help me make as much as I can. He’s put me on the schedule, given me hours when I needed them, helped by being a reference, pretty much looked the other way on something he could have fired me for, and has been a good guy to work under. I might hate retail, but I can respect the guy because he treats people as if they are human beings, not renewable resources.

Dave Cook- Hilarious, but when it comes to my writing I always struggle with my sense of direction, or if I have any talent. To be up front, Dave is considered one of the most reputable handlers in PTC history, and his opinions are honest. So, to have someone flat out say that I am the best pure writer in PRIME…and to have him say that from my return up to now where he has me as a favorite for the creative writing tournament..wow.

Rosa Pecora- Another college bud. I do not know if I can get long winded, but Rosa is an intriging person who I really enjoy the company of. I flirt around with her, but can also just have a fun time doing the random shit around campus that prevents utter boredom during times of stress. She was a great asset in getting information from classes I missed, and has a very upbeat personality.

Alex Carrano- Same as above, though much more scatterbrained.

Chance- I don’t talk with him as much as I used to, mostly because of conflicting schedules. He’s the childhood friend I have that somewhat refuses to grow up, and I love that. Though I think he is wasting away doing the shit he is doing rather than getting himself an education and making something of himself, he’s finding his niche in the world. He’s always there when I need him, and I appreciate that.

Thomas Gray- Yeah…I do not expect him to read this, and I certainly do not know how to quantify it. He’s perhaps the weirdest one of the whole bunch because we do not talk a whole lot over the net or any of that, but whenever I am in his presence, I feel somewhat like he’s a sibling. He’s a good man…great man even…and I just hope that he gets to use the talents he has. I’ve always thought highly of Thomas, and consider him to be a close friend even if he doesn’t realize it, or I do not make it apparent all the time.

Kat Gray- I leave her for last because, for the last two years, there has been no better person I’ve had in my life than her. She’s helped me realize exactly what I want to do with my life, and in many ways has been a muse. She’s an inspiration, and when we had our rough patch I was so scared to possibly losing that friendship forever. But it’s back, and it’s as strong as it ever was. She’s…I can not even put her into words. Not in that lovey dovey OMG bs way, but in the way that I honestly do not know who or where I would be without her. And to be frank, I do not want to know. Hopefully, we can all start doing more together…more towards our professional goals as well as desires to become published authors. I am involved in a writer’s workshop with a few friends, but my ultimate desire is for either her and Thomas to be included in that, or to have our own slice of something to call our own. We have the place and all that too…just need to use it to our advantage. Long winded…and mushy and all that…I know…but sometimes I can’t help it.

I am starting to realize more and more than this exam for my grammar course is going to be a mulligan. I’m going to bomb it.

It’s not that the content itself is challenging…it just seems so vastly unimportant. Had I not been doing a random cross word puzzle in selecting classes, I imagine I would not have happened upon this one. It is what I tried to avoid my whole life…and I can see it now as a sort of shady figure that could ruin my future. The rules that govern this language are in my brain, I just do not have terms for them. It is unimportant. I’ve strive to go beyond those creations. I will try, and I know from here on in I will be on the gun for this one because I must be. It’s two exams out of three. Even getting 2% is better than zero. 50% might sound bad, but it’s the points that count and not the letter grade itself. Besides, there are always options of retaking a course, which I might just do in the future if I get a C or lower just to ensure that I can get myself the options.

I was talking to Kat earlier in the day, and it kind of dawned on me that a crisis point probably was a very good thing. I’m not the same person I was before I had those conversations with her and Thomas…when things were extremely bleak. I imagine that mentally, I’ve gotten over some of these lingering notions that flooded my brain and filled me with contempt for no other reason. And it is hard to quantify, really…why I mentally reacted that way.

Maybe that is my mechanism. Maybe I need to constantly be on the lunatic fringe to save my grade or realize my follies in personal relationships. Maybe it is the inborn mentality I was awarded upon entering this world…since there are literally a myriad of reasons why I should not be in this state right now. Be it dead or be it handicapped. Some days I believe I underachieve, the others I believe I am over my head. It kind of works with my moods and the amount of sleep, which thus far this semester has been extremely bad. Like about as bad as when I was working two jobs.

And I write this with people thinking I am hating this experience. I am not. I am loving this. Well, not loving the yawning notion that I am about to fail a test or the utter lack of sleep I get. I love this challenge. I was not fully ready for it, and I might not be ready for it this entire semester…which might make my grades suffer. Then again, there’s all of October, November, and then December. To be frank, maybe I am overthinking those things. Maybe it is a simple thing of staying on top of things until the late push, and then just doing my damndest.

I am not perfect, nor do I desire to be. One bad grade will not destroy me. It will only serve to make me stronger.

For the first time since I came to Charleston for college, I find myself to be insanely angry.  Why?  There is no place where I can find peace and quiet, no matter what fucking time of day it is.  Sometimes…I just want to be able to retire to my room and study or write.  Instead, I have a roommate that finds it necessary to use my remote and watch my tv as if it is his.  WHO CONSTANTLY WATCHES FUCKING TELEVISION WHEN HE IS NOT AT WORK OR IN CLASS!  I’m sorry, some of us have flunked out of school before, and do not want to do it again.  Nor do I have the option of the library because right now, it is closed.  Nor do I get the ability to go into the lobby of the dorm I am in because fucking freshmen are watching movies or ’studying’.  I say studying in this manner because all they fucking do is talk and flirt with the girls that sit there and try to study.  And they themselves fucking talk and talk and talk.

I just want to have some sense of solitude at moments like this, where I am trying to write a roleplay or two and trying to do some studying at the same time.  But I can not.  It’s past three in the fucking morning, and I can’t possibly get into this at all.  The only place I have even found any sense of alone time is the fucking laundry room of the dorm…and EVEN THEN I HAVE TO HEAR PEOPLE JINGLING KEYS AND FLIRTING!

What the fuck?  Am I just going crazy?  Because I sure as fuck think I am.

I dunno…maybe it is just me. I look at the sheer amount of work to come within this week and am simply overwhelmed. Maybe Kat was right…because taking 15 credit hours like this is something that is just intense as all hell.

The sheer amount of reading is giving me some issues. I mean, on top of that, for my Lit Theory course that I have Monday, Wednesday, and Friday…I apparently need to be taking notes not only on each essay, but on each paragraph. In doing that, it took me five hours on an eleven page essay. And sorry…I just do not have that kind of time to waste. Not when I am behind on Edith Wharton’s House Of Mirth which I am to be writing a six page paper on for next week…not to mention I am about three chapters behind in Absalom Absalom. Oh…and with that…I am in a struggle with my Linguistics course, because I have been pushing that one to the side.

Perhaps I am putting too much pressure on myself right now as far as all this goes, but I can not help it. I have two 3000 level classes which are killing me each day with reading. I have three higher level 2000 classes, one of which is a Western Civ and I am doing very poorly on our daily quizzes (when I actually do them, I ace them. It’s just a question of how many I have actually done). Not all is bad in those classes. In my Lit Theory class I am doing very well with class participation and have done an 80, 90, and 90 on our quizzes in there. In Western Civ I had a paper which I received a B+ on. And in my Linguistics Class, I did a 79 percent on our first exam. So I am not putting myself completely in the shitter. And I usually am a late bloomer and rally. But I want options after this is all done, and need to make sure I do at least a 3.000 through these next two years. Hell…I want a 3.500. Eh.

I am also left here worrying about my bills. Kohls gave me the big “Fuck You” treatment when it came to transferring to a new store, and I have yet to really apply yet to any place. Why? No fucking time. I am doing my best to keep on top of class, and hope to rectify this by looking around for a job through the week…at least one day this week. Need to clean up for that. Kinda have quit shaving…and I have my sideburns growing to my goatee…so THAT will be a painful shave.

I am really happy though, honestly. Just kind of stressing on staying on top of this stuff and the lacking any sort of income. Everything else…well…it’s good and bad. I wish I had more time to sleep, I wish I could buckle down a little bit harder. I do not want to schedule my stuff in advance because I simply do not know how long reading will take. I am kind of a slow reader, you see.

As far as personal relationships go…I’m meeting new people, and everyone seems to be cool. Some of the freshmen consider me to be a wise man…for whatever reason. I honestly believe that in my close personal relationships with Kat and Thomas…that a very rocky period has been passed through. I take responsibility for a lot of it. I was living life in a fashion of which I was not all to happy…treating people I care about in a manner of which I am not proud of. Maybe it was the work…maybe it was the abortion…maybe it was this flash of nasty depression. Whatever it was…that shit is gone..and I am living my life and treating the people around me the way I think I should.

So…graduated from personal drama to stressing about my future and my education. But fuck it…I’d rather worry about my future and education than be stuck in the life I was in…or stuck in the same mindset I was tragically in at the time.

Maybe it is education. I talked to Kat about it…maybe allowing the mind to grow stagnant is a very dangerous thing…allowing you to become something you despise.

Anyway…I hope to actually put use to this space, maybe for musings, maybe simply as a late night outlet for some frustrations. It is way too late to say, and I need to wake up in a few hours and go over this stuff for class today.

I’ve found myself at a cross roads in life for a good long while. And rather than do anything about the direction of my life, I planted my butt at the symbolic fork in the road, trying to find a sign as to which way would be best for me.

It has been almost a year since the decision was made to move to Champaign, Illinois. It wasn’t really a decision, more like a statement of fact. This was what it was going to be, how it was going to happen. My brother and myself had lived on our own in a trailer home in Lakeview Michigan for a full academic year. And with that, there is something inherent that needs to be discussed.

I spent my freshman year of college commuting from Beaverton Michigan to Saginaw Valley State University, essentially killing two hours of each day. It sucked. I wasn’t ready for college, and I sure as hell was not ready to deal with the bullshit involved in the long drive. At the same time as this was going on, there was a split in the family unit. My father lived in Greenville Michigan for his job. My mother lived with us. And she completely and utterly was out of control. The stresses in her life by making ends meet and the dissolution of this family had her in a very bad mood literally every waking moment. And my brother was a good boy to them. So she took it out on me. Every day. All the time.

Told me how dumb I was, how much of a waste of life I was, how I was ruining her life. I was already stressing about my future, but to have her dogpile on me whenever she felt it fit? I hate her for it. I mean, there’s still scars from that bunch of bullshit. I mean, I can never respect her for trying to turn everyone in our family against me. At the time, I had only small things and a handful of good friends. And coming from the high end of a faux social hierarchy…well…I had never really experienced that sort of loneliness.

Whenever I lived with my parents, my academics were hampered. They constantly rode me about my education, telling me constantly “You NEED us here because you’re too lazy to do it without us riding you.” They went to extreme measures, such as shutting power off into my room until I would do my studying. Which, I mean, I never understood. We lived in a small trailer home thing. And whenever my father comes home from work, he usually plants his ass firmly in front of the television. He has to listen to everything loud as well. So I could study in the dining room table (which was not really a room, just where carpet changed over to tile and where the stove was) or my room, which was literally right next to the chair in which he planted himself every evening after work.

I couldn’t study or learn in that environment, and did my stuff usually when they went to bed. And with that, had to hope one of them didn’t trot out from their slumber and demand that I go to bed and live life like “normal human beings”.

When they moved to Illinois and left me and Nathan behind to finish school, well…it was just me and him. The rules and all that from before were null and void. We did our own thing, kept to ourselves. So I was able to curb my study habits in a correct way. I was able to do it when I wanted to without being forced into doing it. And my grades went up. I moved my GPA up a couple of notches before long. I graduated at over a 3.000, which I think is pretty good considering I had a lot of C’s early on. I was on the Honors List my final semester at Montcalm Community College.

So here we are, a year after graduation and I still have not decided which way to go with my life. I’m back living with my parents, and back to feeling like their home is not the correct place for me. Had I actually worked when I was going to school, I would have saved up my money. Had that happened, I would currently be living in Midland Michigan, probably looking at a major move to Michigan State for the push towards my BA. Instead, I live at home and do part time work as a truck unloader for Kohls. A completely unstimulating environment.

I had a number of choices to go with. I could move back to Michigan, and reapply to SVSU or to one of the bigger state institutions. I would have probably had to wait a year though, and that would mean another year of simply working and hoping for residency.

My other option came in light to a friendship I formed around the time I moved to Illinois with some folks down in Alabama. I started talking to Kat, then Thomas, and it seemed like we all became pretty close friends. So I sat back, and wondered what life could be like down there.

I follow my friends usually, and enjoy spending time with them. I believe my closest bud would be over four hundred miles away. I am told it is okay for me to uproot myself and move for the sake of appearance, but moving out is simply bad form.

I went to Birmingham, Alabama in December of last year, and it was a very nice city. I dunno, southern things never ever really entered into the equation in my thought process until I actually went down and gave it an honest chance. And a few days ago, I did a drive from Monticello to Birmingham, seeing places I had never seen before. I mean, I would have no problem starting a life there in the future. It seems like a good enough place with very good people.

But I can not wait another year in an unstimulating environment, hoping for the best while everyone else around me moves around for their educational chances.

I mean, my biggest concern is alienating friends. Like stating this is going to somehow make it more difficult, or somehow it is going to make the time spent together or talking to one another so difficult to put into the schedule that it isn’t going to matter.

At the same time, I need to be honest with myself. I hate it right here. A lot of that has to do with past experiences with my folks. A lot more has to do with the fact that it is simply time to move on. To find my own individual place in this world. I imagine that living on your own, you are actually forced to move. Sitting at that fork in the road isn’t an option.

I saw that Southern Illinois was still taking applications. I figure in two years, or two and a half years, or however long it takes to get my BA, I will be in better position to make a move down south or out west for graduate school. But the reality is…I put myself in this position by not working. I’ve also waited far too long to actually get active and take hold of my life.

Sometimes you simply must move on, and move in a direction that is beneficial to you. I didn’t want to move to Illinois. I didn’t want to leave Michigan without fixing shit that I made wrong there. But I realize that the hand that is now dealt to me with residency is one I can not control.

I mean, I still want to do things with my friends. But doing things with them and being a good friend doesn’t always have to equate to living right next door. They’d more than likely get sick of me a week into it. We all have to do our thing. We all need to get degrees so our futures can be what we can make them rather than made for us.

So…I’m getting up from my comfortable patch next to this fork in the road of my life, and I’m going to go in the route I think best suits my future.